Much Ado About Jeff
by paynesgrey
Summary: Amy is annoyed by the Doctor's strange affection for her friend Jeff. Spoilers: after 5x05 "Flesh and Stone". Amy/Eleven, Eleven/Jeff, Amy/Rory implied. ONE-SHOT.


AN: Written for the "#80 - Can't Take a Joke" theme at 100 fairytales on Livejournal. This one-shot will not be continued. Spoilers for "Flesh and Stone".

Much Ado About Jeff

"Blimey, look at those arms!" the Doctor crowed, sliding and whirling around Amy and Rory and making a beeline for a bewildered Jeff. He froze, and the Doctor did that _thing_, where he came just a little too close for comfort, inspecting every pore, angle and shadow on Jeff's bicep. The poor guy's eyes bulged in fright, his cheeks going hot as the Doctor squeezed the aforementioned muscle and then nodded vigorously like he just made a brilliant discovery.

"This is perfect! You," he said pointing at deer-in-headlights Jeff, "Come, with me. Now." Seconds later, Jeff was being pulled away without another thought, and Amy and Rory plodded behind them, trying to catch up as they headed toward the Tardis.

"Right then, strong man like you. Pick up that end," he ordered, and dumbly Jeff complied, listening with every instruction the Doctor gave him as they moved to the wall some heavy, ghastly ancient alien time measuring device that the Doctor thought was pure brilliance, but Amy thought was rather ugly.

"Do you need any more help then?" Amy chirped up, and the Doctor, seemingly lost in his own world again, shook his head vigorously.

"Nope. Jeff and I got it," he said, and he shot Jeff this grin – a leering grin that made Amy suspicious. "Don't we?"

Still flustered and shocked, Jeff nodded and followed the Doctor around like a dutiful puppy. Rory and Amy awkwardly watched on with boredom.

oooo

"Are you sure you don't want to marry Jeff?" the Doctor asked her again, and she was getting a little offended by his affection for the man.

"For the last time, _no_. I'm very content with Rory, thank you very much," she said, though it wasn't entirely true, but Amy wasn't going to go into it. If only the Doctor would pay her the modicum of attention that he was Jeff, Rory might have been out of luck.

"He's a good-looking guy, strong and smart." The Doctor sighed dramatically, as if he was disappointed with the world's treatment of poor Jeff. Amy scoffed as he added. "He needs to get out of the house more and off that computer. Needs a good girlfriend. What a waste."

She rolled her eyes and nudged him in the shoulder roughly. "If you like him so much, why don't _you_ marry him?" Then, when Amy saw him stroke his chin thoughtfully, she jumped up and stormed off.

oooo

Things got real weird after that. Amy was often left with Rory, gobsmacked, as the Doctor, making some excuse, traipsed off with Jeff in her companion role.

"Have a good time, kids. I'm just going to take Jeff out to the moon and back. Go have a walk; we'll be back before tea." The Doctor grinned widely, and he turned to Jeff, and Amy actually saw excitement on Jeff's usual confused face.

The Doctor soon set off without another glance and pulled Jeff into the Tardis. The door snapped shut loudly and made Amy jump. She glowered as it whirred out of sight, and Rory fidgeted next to her.

"The man is completely bonkers, just mad all around," he said with a whistle.

Amy didn't say anything - not yet; she was still seething that Jeff was slowly taking her place. She pouted. All because she left out that little part that she was getting married the day before she took off with him - oh, and maybe the fact that she'd accosted the Doctor too. Whoops.

"You don't think...nah," Rory said with a nervous laugh, and she turned to him as he looked like he was trying to come to terms to with something – some thought he just couldn't kick past his brain. "Amy, is the Doctor...?" Rory cleared his throat. "Well, I mean, him and Jeff..." He stuttered into a whisper. "Is he ..._you know_?" His eyebrows waggled a little, trying to give her a hint without actually saying it.

"I don't know what he is," she said dejectedly. If he refused her but accepted Jeff then what was all that stuff about never aging? What was that about not even accepting something short term? Amy sighed and looked to the sky while Rory was already waiting for her to head back inside the house.

oooo

The last straw came about when Jeff and the Doctor returned from another impromptu trip to some alien planet, and they were both covered in silver garland and purple and blue lipstick. The Doctor had a strange bell hanging from his neck, and he and Jeff leaned on each other like thin trees in the wind. Amy glared at them appalled.

"You're drunk! You went and got Jeff completely pissed!" she accused, and the Doctor groaned loudly, but then he smiled with wickedness and put his arm around Jeff when her friend started chuckling.

"That's not all we did - well, _he_ did," the Doctor said specifically, staring at the ground weirdly. Amy jumped with a start when Jeff belched, and the Doctor snickered, trying to keep steady on his feet.

Then, Amy realized something. The blue and purple lipstick was only on Jeff. And his clothes were torn in really odd places.

"You – _you didn't_!" Amy said, and if Jeff wasn't already red from some space liquor, he turned the color of beets now. She couldn't believe it. The Doctor took him off to some tart alien planet and got him shagged!

"Ah, the quest for the right woman continues," the Doctor said hopefully. "Isn't that right, m'boy?"

Jeff, who was usually not a man of many words, finally spoke up, "When do we go back?" The Doctor was noisily delighted.

oooo

It was time for them to go (Finally, Amy thought) but the Doctor was moping.

"I'm really going to miss him," he said with a tortured sigh.

"You promised me," Amy whined, and the Doctor turned to her with a pat on her shoulder, soothing her temper.

"Yes, yes, I did, and I wouldn't want to travel with anyone else in the world right now," the Doctor said, nuzzling her head, and quickly Amy was relieved. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close, and they sat on a bench in her backyard before returning to the Tardis.

When the Doctor didn't make a move, Amy saw him staring into space, probably reliving his short yet wild adventures while he jollied around time with Jeff. She furrowed her brow and stared at him suspiciously.

"You really mean that? You wouldn't want to travel with anyone else right now? Not even Dr. Song?" Amy watched the Doctor swallow hard and lick his lips, avoiding her gaze. Amy tilted her head. "Not even Jeff maybe?"

He turned to meet her stormy eyes, and in the face of her anger, he remained calm and thoughtful, just as always with that tinge of ever present wisdom.

"Amy," he said seriously, resting his hand on her head. "I mean it. Just you and me now." Amy eyed him suspiciously, but she started to relax as he smiled affectionately at her. He ruffled her hair and laughed. "That's my girl."

They stood up from the bench, and the Doctor stretched his arms and let out a heavy sigh. Amy paced by his side as they walked to the door. He snapped his fingers, and the Tardis welcomed them back, and as Amy stepped over the threshold, she was finally relieved this whole nonsense with Jeff was finally over.

"Though," the Doctor added, and as he revved up the Tardis, she watched him as he finished his thought. His mind was traveling elsewhere again, but she knew that anything less for him wouldn't be normal. "It would have been a different journey if you were actually marrying Jeff."

He grinned at her mischievously, and Amy shot him a murderous glare. He was playing her - in his genius, infuriating way - for molesting him on her wedding night. This was his revenge all along! Amy shook her head and let out an exasperated groan.

He was lucky all she did was accost him the last time; for as angry as she was now, Amy could do so much worse.

END


End file.
